Making Friends With Pain

image from my first in-person embodiment experience with Alexandra Roxo.

Pain knocked at my door
And I opened it, willingly.
They said “I am here to take over this house.
Your heart, mind, and body, all belong to me now.”

I told them, “Welcome, come in,
take anything you’d like.”
Confused, they entered.
I offered a seat, some tea,
“Would you like something to eat?”
Though I could feel the way they were devouring me —
they may not still be hungry.
At my kindness, they accepted.

As we sat, we could hear my cries,
feel my body shaking,
see the tears leaking into our little communion.
And yet, I stayed present with them, 
and made sure they felt safe here.

Perplexed, they asked, “Why aren’t you fighting me?”
At their question, we could hear my wails soften.
“We’ve done that dance before, don’t you remember?
I’ve tried to fight you, numb you, drown you, smoke you, 
snort you, and even fuck you so you would leave.
And we would be here for days and days,
and sleepless nights that turned into weeks,
into months, even…”

They softened, and smiled,
“Ah yes, I do believe I should’ve started paying rent
in the dark night of 2017…”
We chuckled at the thought.
And though I winced at the memory,
we felt my trembling body start to calm,
and the tears washing over the walls began
to leave beautiful streaks of watercolor.

I looked at Pain.
“I figure now we can sit, be with one another.
I don’t want to fight with you anymore, old friend.”

In a pleasant surprise, they agreed.
A calm, peaceful quiet fell over the room,
And they said, “I will miss having more time with you,
Is there anything I can do for you before it’s time to leave?”

I smiled, took their face softly in my hands, and said,
“No… you’ve already given me so much.”

I revealed the room around us,
shifted just so, 
in all the perfect ways.
New colors sparkling and glistening.

“This is what I have now. Isn’t it beautiful?

And when you leave, you create the pathway
in my heart, through which this beauty
will be returned out into the world.”

Pain, now with tears in their own eyes,
looked at me and said,

“I helped with that?!”
“You did.” I smiled.

And we embraced,
said our goodbyes,
as they whispered,
“I love you.”
And I replied,

“I love you too.”